The School of Suffering*

I was kicked out of my own bed by a 27 pound 3 1/2 year old this morning. We are not the "family bed" type of family. I like my space. I don't sleep well being kicked by children (or my husband, for that matter) all night. Well, at 5 o'clock this morning, I was awoken by the dear husband shouting something in my ear. Owen threw up in his crib!! Great. I thought we were done with this. I've been basically out of commission for two weeks - three if you count the week Glenn was sick before that (he's STILL sick!) Each one of the boys, except for Jake, has gotten this lovely stomach bug. It's been quite a trying time around here. I feel like it's just one thing after another.

I know that all one of you who read my blog have been concerned about my last post. I hyperlinked some of my old posts and alluded to the fact that I had writted about someone who had died. Well, I haven't yet. I just wasn't really ready. It wasn't someone I was particularly close with, but I am close with some of his family and it just really hit home for me. I tend to overly-empathize with people, if that's possible. This was a young father who used to attend our church. Now, our church is like a huge close-knit family. I was actually born into this church. My parents have been a part of it since the early 1970's. I may not be super-close to everyone here, but when someone is going through something, or if someone loses a loved one - even if I'm not close with them - it's like losing a long-lost brother, aunt, grandfather, etc. This guy who passed away last week was in high school (our church has an affilliated K-12 school as well as a Bible College, both of which I graduated from) when I was in elementary school. I'm friends with his sisters-in-law and his nieces. My boss was one of his best friends. Two of his kids are in our middle school. He also left behind a 3 year old. I have had a hard time thinking about this whole thing. I wish there was something I could do for them, yet I don't want to bother them since the wife and kids don't know me. I just burst into tears when I heard that the baby has been walking around the house saying "Where Daddy go?" I can't handle that. Then I think, this could just as easily be me going through this.

It makes me realize how blessed we really are to be a part of such a tight-knit family. Also, just to know that this man is now in a place where there is no more temptation - no more sin - is such a comfort. It wasn't such a perfect situation that he was taken Home. He had been drinking and was walking on I-95. I've learned this past year that none of us are above temptation. This could just as easily have been me or someone I loved who made one simple choice and was taken from the ones who mean the most to us. There's just no room for judgment here - only love and support.

After all of this, another member of our church was called home. This was someone I did know personally, the mother of one of my favorite teachers and mentors, grandmother to one of my sister's best friends. She had been battling Alzheimers, and joined her husband in Heaven a few days ago. This is a time of rejoicing (and sadness, of course) for her family and friends here. At one point this week I said to God "If you want to take us all home, can we just all go together?!" I felt like I couldn't take any more bad news (another close friend of mine had a migraine stroke and was in the hospital at the time - she's in her 30's!) We may not understand His ways, but I'm really learning that all things are for our sakes. I can't imagine how hard these times are for these families, but even the way that their friends and family react to the situation, is a testimony to me, and has already made a change in my life.

Just as these things were happening, I went through something in my own life. This is something that has happened in the past, and something I've reacted to in a completely different way. I've asked myself in the past, how things like this could possibly be the will of God. I read *something on our church's website that was written by John Newton (the author of Amazing Grace and other hymns.) It really made an impact with all of these trials and tragedies still fresh in my mind. "A Christian without trials would be like a mill without wind or water; the contrivance and design of the wheel-work within would be unnoticed and unknown, without something to put it in motion from without. ... But the Lord sends afflictions one after another to quicken our desires, and to convince us that this world cannot be our rest." He also said that if we didn't have any trials and lived a perfectly comfortable life, we would not be able to accept or identify with Christ, who lived a life of sorrow, unaccepted by His own people!

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking that it almost sounds selfish to say that these things happened for my sake, but I think that this is exactly how I should live. This may have happened for many other reasons, but why not take it and learn from it myself? We have a personal God! I learn through my own failures that I can't judge another soul; and I learn from the failures of others how to truly forgive as I've been forgiven. I've been forgiven much, therefore I can forgive much. I can even use this in my daily life. My little boy is whining. He won't stop. This is for me. I can learn patience. It's also for him, I can teach him that I love him even though he's impossible. :)

Praise God!